CF Clinic Update

Last Tuesday was CF Clinic day for me. The verdict was both favorable and unfavorable.

However, before I go into all the details I just want to publicly announce (again!) how amazing my care team is. I could not be in such great health without them. They are some of my biggest supporters and they always tell me the truth; good, bad or indifferent. They have helped me navigate my insurance company when I was single, fabulous and broke. They have gently guided me thru some of the hardest years yet in my life. They have been a source of support for B, to help him understand the complexities of this disease and to offer words of wisdom when he most needed them. The folks who will take their places upon their retirement will have some very large shoes to fill. Just saying!

The unfavorable:

Let's just get it over with it. I have lost weight. Even with the dang feeding tube. Enough weight to raise a few eyebrows. I hate scales. I hate how so many live their lives as slaves to the number and how so many wrap their self-worth up in what the meter reads, so we don't have one in our home. Until Saturday. Ugh! However, I knew I had dropped a pound or two just by the way my clothing was fitting lately but not nearly 10 lbs. That is a lot for me. The worst part is putting those pounds back on is an upward hill to climb. Yes, I love food. But I hate doing anything that feels like a job and consuming 3500 calories daily becomes a job or worse a chore. 3500 a day will only help me maintain, therefore, I need to find ways to throw in a few more calories to recooperate the lost weight. I suppose I could simply just do the feeding tube more frequently or all day for that matter, but the goal is either use it only to supplement what I eat or to allow myself enough time to "bulk up" thru the feedings and be able to sustain a healthy weight by eating alone and remove the g-tube, or toobie (a cute little wee-one used this nickname). Well, I don't think either of those options will be occurring anytime soon. Instead, I will be adding more supplements to my real food and increasing the calorie intake (nearly 2000 calories from 1500) per feeding tube cycle. This also means adjustments to my insulin and digestive enzymes because of the increase. Fun, fun!!

The favorable:

PFT's were again astoundingly awesome. Awesome for me that is. FEV1 was 79 (normal: 80-120). There are other numbers that are looked at but I'll save you some time  and give the synopsis; my lungs are doing well. They are actually improving, at least from what the numbers tell us. After the Pulmonologist gave me my print out of my results I had a few folks come in and ask me what my "secret" was and my only explanation is the running and being complaint with treatments. Running requires usage of the lungs and therefore they are worked really hard while running. I have the Vest to help on the days I don't run but I am telling you its the running. I can feel the difference. I move more mucus during and after running then by doing the Vest. The Vest moves some mucus, but those pesky plugs way down in the lung come up more frequently with running. This gives me the ability to take deeper and deeper breaths and the medication from the nebulizer treatments can then get deeper and deeper to help prevent damage and maybe even allow a small window for healing and/or rebuilding of healthy tissue. I don't know but I know running is working. It took nearly a year of running to see any difference in my PFT's. So, CFer's don't give up, it takes some time.

I'll leave you with a video of the actual PFT session that I scored my 79 on.

~Doodlin'

My Suffering Has a Name: PTSD

At the CFRI Conference the schedule was packed with lecture sessions and networking. So, much so that you really had to picked which lectures interested you most and attend only those. There was no way to attend them all. There were two lectures that I felt very passionate about hearing; 1)PTSD and 2)Women with CF are Having Babies.

The one of most value to me after participating in the lecture was this idea that PTSD existed in parents with individuals suffering from chronic illnesses like CF. But more than that how I related to every. single. symptom. of PTSD. Heather Walter PhD, Director of Graduate Studies at The School of Communication, The University of Akron in Akron, Ohio who has a daughter with CF had read an article, Invisible Patient: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Parents of Individual with Cystic Fibrosis. (I encourage you to read the full article for further clarification.)

As she made her way thru the article she was astounded by how the article validated all the feelings she had since her daughter's diagnoses. The article focused really on the parents of those with CF and how the parents are often experiencing symptoms of PTSD such as re-experiencing, avoidance and arousal.

As I sat on the edge of my seat listening to her explain what each symptom was I was nearly moved to tears. She explained re-experiencing to include intrusive recollections and psychological distress. Avoidance includes selecting to make conscious or unconscious choices to avoid information or not to do some things. It also includes emotional numbness. Arousal includes hyper-vigilance, anxiety, irritability, anger, guilt, self destructive behavior and insomnia.

Wow.

I have been as honest on this blog about my journey with depression, loss, anger, self destructive behavior and even attempting to commit suicide as I could possibly bare to be. This is so real. The pain is so deep.

For so long I have struggled with a deep depression. Often times I was able to control it, to get a grip and function normally but my goodness there have been days, weeks and out-right long periods of time that I felt so alone. So misunderstood. Unheard. Many just say "pull up your boot straps girl its never going to change" or just diagnose it as depression, which part of it is. However, depression is not all of it. Anti-depressants doesn't help all of it. Because CF at this point is not going away.

As I continue this life with CF I am re-experiencing often times multiple times a year psychological distress. The things or events that have been traumatic I get to relive over and over. I have and do avoid information and/or things that I need to do in order to simply stay alive. My anxiety at times is beyond rational, I have issues with anger and have taken anger management classes to help control it and of course the self destructive behavior in arousal. I am beyond overwhelmed.

After Mrs. Walter ended her lecture I hurried up to exit the conference room in hopes to catch up with her as I wanted to talk to her more about PTSD, but from the patients perspective. You know us CFer's who are in the thick of this mud. She was awesome and we both agreed that there needs to be more conversations about this, more open dialogue for both parents and patients in the early years. So, that the medical teams can be informed that this is a real issue for some. So, that those who recognize these symptoms in themselves may be helped by simple self care; like rest, exercise, friends, family and avoiding destructive behaviors. The fact of the matter is that many think of PTSD in relation to post war trauma or rape victims, but it is present as a response to many other life events. PTSD can be just an episode or brought on by a new event that triggers them such as having a PICC line placed or a hospitalization.

Later on as the conference began to come to an end a woman pulled me aside. Asked me if I felt comfortable talking about my journey with depression. I was so glad she reached out. She is a mother of a child with CF who like me has struggled in this area greatly. After the conversation, a few tears from us both and a promise to stay in touch it left my mind whirling. In fact, I have been consumed by the fact that if the two of us (this women's child and I) have struggled so much I am willing to bet there are others out there. Who are at their wits end or nearly there.

Depression and PTSD are linked and often go hand-in-hand. I have been pouring over every piece of information about both depression and PTSD I can find. While I feel like I am currently in a good place with minor episodes of depression from time to time, I can't begin to explain how alone I felt during my teenage and early twenties, when I believe I suffered the most. I don't want anyone else to be alone. I want them to know that they can come out happy, fulfilled and loved.

I am determined now more than ever to be a voice. I don't know where this path will lead me but I do know that this fight should not be done alone in silence where the darkness can creep in. The suicide rate in young adults is high enough and I am thankful I didn't become apart of those numbers. We as a CF/Chronic Illness community need to be diligent in diagnosing this and finding ways to help treat it because it is a life-long battle.

This conversation is simply beginning.

~Doodlin'

CFRI Conference

Two weekends ago I had the greatest privilege of attending the 25th Annual CFRI Conference in San Francisco, California. I went as a representative of my CF care centers Patient and Family Advisory Committee.

This years conference was titled; 'Facing CF Together with Confidence: Connecting Families, Care Teams and Scientists.' The conference is such a valuable opportunity for which I am beyond grateful to have had. It brings people together to share the latest information about CF treatment, research and services. Speakers come from across the country and from Canada to update us on clinical developments, ongoing research, and new directions for CF care.

I have to admit I was a bit terrified to attend. I was unsure how I might react to information that was less than favorable. That I would be an emotional wreak, unable to put an intelligent sentence together and thus unapproachable. But I surprised myself. I held it together, well, most of the time. I spoke with people from all different walks of life, each connected to CF in a different way. Some were parents striving to understand how best to help their child. Some were CF patients who were attending for multiple reasons; networking, getting the last information and simply to connect with those battling this disease along side them. Some were researchers, scientists and physicians all trying to find a why to help us, to give us a better chance at survival, to help cure this devastating disease.

I traveled alone this year and was hesitant to begin the first conversation upon arrival. I didn't want to offend anyone, I didn't want to be intrusive and mostly didn't want to seem over zealous or needy. There were many booths from many different companies who service CF care. I began by going to each booth, learning about their products and getting tons of awesome free stuff.

I attended the orientation meeting and met some friends, in fact, from orientation we went out to "network" at which point I meet more folks. The relationships formed almost instantly. There is an unspoken understanding. No need to example anything. Support in the form I have never known. Ever. I get weepy just writing that.

Probably the most amazing part for me is that I was one of the youngest CF'ers in attendance. Many are in their 40's, 50's and late 60's. I have heard of these people, these mythical beings who are some how living into old age, but never have I had the pleasure of laying eyes on them. Probably one of the most inspiring moments in my life. Seeing these people who are my grandmothers age living and thriving with CF. LIVING and THRIVING. This changes the game for me. Seeing with my very eyes that this could be me. ME. OLD. GRAY HAIR.  Now, I am sure that as your reading this your thinking; yes, Kari, that could be you, why would you think anything else? Because I have meet more people who have died than I have who are reaching 40+ years. Because this disease is still consuming young people at unacceptable rates. Because the medical community and research community are working day and night to slow the progression and find a cure. So, for me to witness this. To meet them. To speak with them is beyond motivational. It is beyond hope.

I am thrilled to be part of this community. I hate the suffering CF imposes but the people who are facing this battle with me are truly remarkable.

I attended a few sessions that different speakers were touching on and two have changed my life. No two ways about that; changed it forever. I am still wrapping my head and heart around the information and will share when I can put the thoughts into a comprehendible post.

~Doodlin'