Bucket List is One Item Shorter: Half Marathon Complete

I'm still in disbelief that I actually ran and completed 13.1 miles. I mean, healthy-non CF infected folk- struggle with running that many miles. I couldn't be prouder of myself. Yep, I'm tooting' my own horn.

I've learned so much about myself during all these years of running and training. The thing with running is that even if you have a running buddy you're still on your own. You must have the physical and mental strength to keep going. Sure, having a buddy adds a level of competition which can and does carry you but at the end of the day its just you, your body, your mind and a good pair of running shoes. I guess thats why I'm hooked on running. The self-esteem boost.

When I'm running I'm just like any other person. I'm normal in a weird way. I'm battling exhaustion, breathing, wanting to walk, etc-just like any other ordinary person. Sure, I've got a few tacks on the wall that are drastically different from the other runners, but they too have different tacks than I. Some are faced with age, some are running to lose weight and a better lifestyle, some are burning rubber to overcome injury and the list is endless. We all have our "issues". This is what makes me normal amongst all the other runners.

I was as well trained for this run as I could be given the past 12-months health issues. That said, the last 3 miles were grueling. My lungs felt amazing, I'd done my feeding for a full week leading up to the half, I only drank water for 3 days prior, I stretched my muscles the day before, etc. However, at around mile 8 or 9 my knee starting hurting. I just ran thru the pain to the next water station. It was then that I knew something was really wrong....but I wasn't ready to give up. We continued walking/running hoping the walking would help but it didn't in fact the pain got worse and worse. My usual pace is 11:30 minute miles, but with the knee pain we were more like 13:30 min/mile for the last 3 miles. I had in my mind that I wanted to finish under 3hrs, so the last 3/4 mile I ran, grimacing in pain the entire way. We finished at 2:58:34; just under 3 hours.

Many times during those miles when my knee pain seemed almost too much to handle, I thought of all my friends with CF who are facing end stage disease, waiting for new lungs, struggling with coping and so much more. There pain has no end in sight. If they can continue battling and remain hopeful then I had to finish for them. Even in unexpected pain I pushed through. I knew my pain was temporary. The finish line was in site.

Its funny because at approximately 12.5 miles my running buddy-my mother in law-says "I'm about ready to cry for you".

I looked at her with so much pain across my face and said, "don't you dare, I've still got over half a mile, I've got to keep my shit together...."

We ran in silence both reflecting on all the ups and downs of this journey. All the times I had to step back and play a deck of cards that CF dealt and how we'd pick up the pieces to start over again. Running 13.1 is not just a bucket list item its also a opportunity to prove to myself that I am capable of anything. CF can't take away my drive, passion, and determination if I don't let it. 

My grand finish was met with ugly sobbing. I cried for myself. I cried for all my friends who have passed away never getting an opportunity like this. I cried for all my friends who can barely walk around their homes with oxygen. I cried because their struggles have carried me when my body was too tired.

13.1.......just an item on a bucket list.

 ~Doodlin'

Serum Sensitivity

Let's recap a bit……

September 19th, I had a PICC line placed to begin yet another round of IV's. My PTSD kick into full gear and I was overwhelmed. Thankfully, the PICC placement was text book smooth. After getting home and administering my first dose of Meropenem I began spiking a fever, vomiting and getting the chills.

I knew it was not the infection causing these new symptoms. I pushed thru the night until the next dose was due. Weird thing is, right before I started the next dose my symptoms started to ease up, which is largely why I felt it was not the infection. So, I got in touch with my doc and we decided to switch meds.

After going into clinic to receive the first dose under observation I was fine. B and I went home thinking all would flow as it should and we'd get thru the next two weeks fairly smoothly. Nope! After administering the second dose the symptoms returned.

Each time this has happened that particular medication has been placed on my "allergy" list, meaning I can't use it. The severe issue is that with these symptoms I also develop low white blood cell counts and/or neutropenia which is dangerous. This also is quickly depleting the pool of medications I can use to fight my infections, that's dangerous for someone who needs them to fight infections that left unchecked will cause severe lung damage and erode my life span.

Funny thing is that this has been happening for a few years now. While we didn't exactly know it when it began we now know we've got to figure out why my body is reacting to the medications this way. In 2011 it happened and then later in early 2013.

In order to get the medications in my system and help subdue the infection, we decided to address the symtopms with anti-nausea meds and a fever reducer. This cocktail worked for the most part until pharmacy called an told us that there is a drug reaction between the IV medication and the anti-nausea medication in where heart issues can occur. At this point, I was beyond frustrated. I now had to go get an EKG done to ensure no long-term damaged was sustained by my heart. With great relief I can tell you it did not.

At that point, I stopped the anti-naseau medication and just suffered thru the last few days of IV's. Needless to say it was a very unpleasant 3 days. The only way I know how to describe it to say that it felt like I was being poisoned.

The CF doctors and I set up a game plan to try to figure out why my body is reacting to some many medications and even ones that are not in the same family.

Game Plan:

#1) Find out if I have developed an allergy to Penicillin. Many of the IV medications are in the Penicillin family.

• This was done 11/13/13 and was negative

#2) Try to isolate the symptoms; are they truly from the medication or is it my bodies reaction to the infection

• This will be done on 12/11/13

#3) If its the medication, figure out what other medications can safely be used to help ease the symptoms (i.e. adding prednisone)

Because the Penicillin testing was negative and I showed no signs of any reaction it has been determined that my reaction to the medications is an immune reaction to either the infection or the medication. It is of a serum sickness and/or sensitivity type reaction. Finding out if I react to the medication when I'm in stable health will allow us to differentiate whether or not my symptoms are because of the infection or because of the medication.

All of this will determine if and what medications I can use in the future. I'm sort of freaking out inside. These medications are vital to my survival.

~Doodlin'

A Pick-Me-Up

I've had a wacky past two months. Some of it health related and some it is just normal life craziness. All of it combined had left me feeling overwhelmed. Two posts await editing that I've meant to publish for weeks now and honestly not sure when they'll be ready or rather when I'll be ready.

With all this feeling overwhelmed, this fantastic video puts a lot into perspective for me.

~Doodlin'

Seeking Calmness While Overwhelmed

I've been juggling so many balls that I'm starting to lose track of how many I've got, in fact, as I look around some are lying on the ground while others are sky high, but no time to pick-up the grounded ones and catch the falling ones simultaneously.

I do this. It's my own fault. When I have periods of being sick and not physically being able to manage anything but my daily medical needs I then find myself over-committing when I'm well. This is neither good for me or those whom I'm making the commitment. I'm not able to do any one thing with 100% of my ability or energy.

When I look at giving things up I become even more overwhelmed and ticked at myself for placing myself in this position once again.

The activities that I participate in are things that I delight in, that bring me joy, that gives me an opportunity for personal growth, that for the most part have little to do with CF which gives me a sense of normalcy. I've gotten to know so many wonderful people that I would not have otherwise.

Missing meetings, forgetting to call someone, being late to appointments and not responding to emails is not okay with me. The reality is that something has to change. I owe it to those whom I'm making the commitment and to myself. They deserve 100% of me.

I've began to incorporate meditation into my daily morning routine. The idea of mindful mediation has always intrigued me. I started a few weeks ago with 5 minutes of mediation. To allow myself a calm collected beginning to my day. This week I've increased the meditation time to 10 minutes along with 10 minutes of Hatha yoga.

I do recognize that this just adds another "activity" to my already crazy-can't-fit-one-more-thing schedule. But this activity I believe to be essential, like breathing and food.

During the past few weeks of doing just 5 minutes I felt a sense of structure, core calmness, ability to face the days tasks, my sanity and a renewed confidence. I think adding another 5 minutes and the element of yoga will only emphasize the already established changes.

So, while I'm overwhelmed I'm learning to remain calm, to restructure, to quite my mind and the let world be for 10 mintues and to warm my body up during the yoga to conquer the day.

I.can.do.this

~Doodlin'