Ever thought a problem or thought to death? I mean, have you ever rolled something around in your head to the point of its near death?! One of my WORST habits is doing just that. I can take almost anything and trap it in my mind; roll it around, shake it up, twist it up until I've killed the very thought or at least distorted it to an unrecognizable mound of nothing or worst until its a mountain so high the top is invisible.
I'm an over-anaylizer. Not really sure how this came to fruition or its origins but sadly I am an over-thinker. If I were to guess, I would assume it has developed overtime; day by day, year by year- from living with CF. Having to be incredibly hyper vigilant about nearly everything from cleanliness to medication names, dose, time, frequency, etc along with having to critically think each step of treatment, major life decisions and more can and does place me in a frame of mind to always be fully engaged. To always be thinking and analyzing.
Occasionally my mind wonders to, what I call, the dark side. A place in my mind that is consumed with death. My death. A place where nothing I do can or will save me from the darkness that is CF. This is where my thoughts get stuck and become distorted. I try desperately not to stay in that place long. A second is too long.
As of late, the CF community has lost far too many in a short span of time. A rush of emotions and thoughts comes with each loss. Being a part of the this incredibly supportive community is a bit of a double edged sword. So much hope yet so much grief. So many bright smiles yet so much sadness. Its in these times that slipping into the darkness is easy. Its hard to see the sunlight when the shadows are close behind.
Over the years I've tried different avenues to help divert my thoughts to less critical or morbid things in hopes to give myself reprieve. As of late I'm finding that a 1000+ piece puzzle can be just the perfect distraction. I find that I go between "thinking" and hunting for that perfect puzzle piece. I like the distraction. I like that I can walk away from the puzzle and come back at anytime. I like that its sort of a memory game, remembering what shape, color and the overall puzzle picture keeps my thoughts in the present. It keeps them from staying in the darkness too long.
CF feels a lot like a puzzle. We know what the picture is. We just need all the pieces to align and match up perfectly to create a beautiful masterpiece. Just like with a real puzzle some pieces look like just the right fit but alas it wasn't, you move on to another piece to see if its the perfect fit and continue on this way until the right piece slips effortlessly into place, getting you one piece closer.
I hope beyond hope that the puzzle is finished within my lifetime. That we can look upon the giant picture to gaze upon all who fought and if one were to look closely that would see the each piece is that of a CF warrior and when viewed abstractly they also see a cure.
Just me. My thoughts. 1000+ puzzle.
~Doodlin'
I'm an over-anaylizer. Not really sure how this came to fruition or its origins but sadly I am an over-thinker. If I were to guess, I would assume it has developed overtime; day by day, year by year- from living with CF. Having to be incredibly hyper vigilant about nearly everything from cleanliness to medication names, dose, time, frequency, etc along with having to critically think each step of treatment, major life decisions and more can and does place me in a frame of mind to always be fully engaged. To always be thinking and analyzing.
Occasionally my mind wonders to, what I call, the dark side. A place in my mind that is consumed with death. My death. A place where nothing I do can or will save me from the darkness that is CF. This is where my thoughts get stuck and become distorted. I try desperately not to stay in that place long. A second is too long.
As of late, the CF community has lost far too many in a short span of time. A rush of emotions and thoughts comes with each loss. Being a part of the this incredibly supportive community is a bit of a double edged sword. So much hope yet so much grief. So many bright smiles yet so much sadness. Its in these times that slipping into the darkness is easy. Its hard to see the sunlight when the shadows are close behind.
Over the years I've tried different avenues to help divert my thoughts to less critical or morbid things in hopes to give myself reprieve. As of late I'm finding that a 1000+ piece puzzle can be just the perfect distraction. I find that I go between "thinking" and hunting for that perfect puzzle piece. I like the distraction. I like that I can walk away from the puzzle and come back at anytime. I like that its sort of a memory game, remembering what shape, color and the overall puzzle picture keeps my thoughts in the present. It keeps them from staying in the darkness too long.
CF feels a lot like a puzzle. We know what the picture is. We just need all the pieces to align and match up perfectly to create a beautiful masterpiece. Just like with a real puzzle some pieces look like just the right fit but alas it wasn't, you move on to another piece to see if its the perfect fit and continue on this way until the right piece slips effortlessly into place, getting you one piece closer.
I hope beyond hope that the puzzle is finished within my lifetime. That we can look upon the giant picture to gaze upon all who fought and if one were to look closely that would see the each piece is that of a CF warrior and when viewed abstractly they also see a cure.
Just me. My thoughts. 1000+ puzzle.
~Doodlin'
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